Oh, sister 25. (Memoirs of Nerys Jones v)

I’d been gettin’ some nervous looks from Siobhan

But I sensed that there was more than an illicit affair goin’ on

I had a feelin’ that Robert knew

And things were bein’ kept from me and the other two

It was certain that he had some devious plan

Robert could be a very evasive man

I’d begun to get bored with the usual requests

From the effeminate fops and the pain lovin’ pests

But one day I got one like no other

When a middle aged man came with his elderly mother

I soon found out why

“I wish to be a grandmother before I die,” she informed me. “But this boy of mine is incredibly shy.”

His name was Cedric and he was forty years old

Always there for mother and doin’ what he was told

She told me that women filled him with dread

And if one even spoke to him he’d blush bright red

Such shyness in a man I’d never seen

His behaviour was like that of a pimply teen

What a sheltered life he’d led

Never had a woman ever shared his bed

Well, apart from mother when he had a nightmare

But that can’t compare to a passionate affair

It was a bit sad to hear of what he’d missed

The tragic little fellow hadn’t even been kissed

His mother had arranged for him to be married

And the poor little sod was understandably harried 

That’s why she brought him to me

To rid him of his terrible timidity

I agreed to try and teach him intimacy

And asked her to give us some privacy

“No!” she cried. “I’m here to observe!”

Crikey, the woman had a nerve

I didn’t want to argue and began to undress

Cedric was shakin’ from extreme distress

“Cedric, don’t be coy!” his mother yelled. “Remove your clothes at once, boy!”

I grimaced at the man’s pitiful cries

And gaped at him with utter surprise

When my nakedness made him cover his eyes

“Mummy,” he wailed. “Please!”

But she shook her head at his desperate pleas

“I’m not giving in to those pathetic cries,” she told him. “Go to the whore and make that thing rise.”

I didn’t know what to do with the sobbin’ wimp

For even after coaxin’ he still remained limp

“Perhaps if you go,” I said to the mother. “Maybe it’s you that’s causin’ his woe.”

“No!” she shouted. “I told you I was here to observe the show.”

I decided I would have to take it very slow

Try everythin’ I knew to make it grow

I even got down on my knees

With lips and tongue I began to tease

And then suddenly it burst into life

There was some hope for his future wife

To the bed I beckoned

And we didn’t waste another second

In a matter of seconds he was done

But at least the poor fellow had a bit of fun

And mother was happy with her brave little chappie