Tuesday, 31 May 2016

Oh, sister 28. (Memoirs of Siobhan MacGeary vi)

I became more and more impatient with Robert and Yvette
And the fling that I had with Yvette I began to regret
There was o’ part of me that wished we hadn’t met
And Robert had become a right selfish get
“It’s no the right time yet,” he’d say. “We’re daein’ the best we can, pet.”
For weeks I ignored the others and stayed in my room
But one day I got sick and tired o’ the perpetual gloom
Intuition told me that Robert was a threat
So I decided that I would confront Yvette
I thought, ‘To hell with Robert Brown.’
And I made my way to the other side o’ town
I dressed up real smart
But I was shamed and made to feel like a tart
Aye, a common whore
Told that I could only enter through the back door
And when I was escorted through by the maid
Yvette said to me, “Go away, you silly bitch. You have been paid!”
Aye, ye could say that I was shocked and a wee bit teary
But no one did that to Siobhan MacGeary
“So, I’m just a common whore?’ I asked her. “And there was me thinkin’ there might be more.”
“Go away and never come back,” she said. “I do really hope that you don’t meet Jack.”
“So, it’s you and Robert,” I said. “Is that true?”
“Get out, right now!” she screamed. “It has nothing to do with you!”
I looked at the shock on the face of her maid
Exacerbated when she said, “Why, are you complaining? You were handsomely paid.” 
I could say no more
And walked out the front like a nonchalant whore
My heart felt sore
But she and he weren’t goin’ to get the better of me
And I was goin’ to tell the story to the other three
When I got home late afternoon there was no one there
But the appearance of a man and a woman gave me a scare
I abrubtly asked, “What do you want?”
“A woman is what I want,” she answered. “No one knows that, but there has been the occasional taunt.”
I looked at the man who was extremely gaunt
“I just want to observe,” he told me and giggled. “You could say perv.”
I couldn’t believe the bloody nerve!
So I asked her,” Have you ever done this before?”
“Of course not,” she replied. “That is why I have come to a whore.”
I wanted to show them the door
But instead I asked her, ‘Has yer man become quite a bore?”
“Oh, yes,” she replied. “The lack of satisfaction I can’t ignore.”
I smiled and said, “Ask him to close the door.”
It wasn’t long before I heard her cries of elation
One look at him and I saw his frustration
He wanted to get in on the action
But this was a strictly female interaction 
He could grunt and grab his crotch
But it was me and her and he could only watch
I was paid triple the fee
Which was fine and you’ll agree
But I couldn’t understand why women fancied me 

Sunday, 29 May 2016

Oh, sister 27. (Memoirs of Nancy Trollop vi)

I ‘ad this fear of a bogeyman when I was a nipper
But real fear came in the form of the Ripper
Us ‘ores lived in terror of a possible attack
From the evil monster that called ‘imself Jack
It didn’t matter that ‘is crimes took place in the East End
On Robert we could no longer depend
Now and then ‘e would pitch
But spent most of ‘is time with that fancy bitch
I was curious to know what was goin’ on
Because to me it seemed that she ‘ad a thing for Siobhan
Siobhan was keepin’ stumm
And spent most of ‘er time alone in ‘er room
Yeah, so back to Jack
There was just no stoppin’ that maniac
The mood amongst the girls was very black
With every new customer there was the threat of attack
The Old Bill were doin’ their best but drawin’ a blank
Rumour ‘ad it that ‘e was a doctor and some said ‘e was a Yank
Some said that they’d saw ‘im fleein’ from a scene
Even some suggested that ‘e were related to the Queen
It was a terrible time to be an ‘ore
Shiverin’ and shakin’ when someone new came to the door
Like the American
What an obnoxious and creepy little man
And to top it all ‘e called ‘imself Dr Tripper
Bleedin’ ‘ell, it even rhymed with Ripper
I was ‘opin’ ‘e would choose one of the other three
And I was thinkin’ that it might ‘ave been Sally McGhee
But the grim little bugger opted for me
Well, it turned out that Dr Tripper weren’t the Ripper
And ‘e weren’t even a doctor an’ all
The man liked to pretend that ‘e was on a call
For a laugh I told ‘im that I ‘ad a runny nose
But the dirty little sod still made me take off me clothes
I suppose that was to be expected
And every single orifice was thoroughly inspected
Turnin’ me this way and that way for the examination
Even for an’ ‘ore it was ‘umiliation
And when ‘e was finished with ‘is inspection
This ghastly man told me that I would need an injection
Well, it was obvious that ‘e was referrin’ to ‘is todger
And the cure for my ailment was a damn good roger
That’s what ‘e said
And told me to get off the bed
I was asked to kneel on the floor
I’d never experienced shame like this before
And I cried out loud like a novice ‘ore
Normal copulation would ‘ave been just fine
Not the bleedin’ place where the sun don’t shine!
Five long minutes of degradation
With ‘im moanin’ with pleasure from ‘is own sensation
Afterwards the bugger ‘ad the cheek
To say that ‘e’d come to see me the followin’ week
And gave me two pills in case I felt weak

Tuesday, 17 May 2016

Oh, sister 26. (Memoirs of Robert Brown vi)

Giles’ funeral wis a lavish affair
But most were only there because they had tae be there
Absence would’ve been a huge disgrace
An’ there wis the risk of rebuff for not showin’ yer face
It wis the scandal
The shock for many wis too much handle
Giles’ masochistic ways
Found deid in an alley wearin’ women’s claes
And what exacerbated the horror even more
Wis the design o’ the dress that he wore
The favoured fashion o’ the common whore
The women at the service were highly critical
An’ the men were indubitably hypocritical
For many were regulars at ma door
Dressin’ like whores an’ so much more
Ma presence disturbed these familiar faces
Filled them wi’ fear that ah might air their disgraces
They approached me wi’ nervous smiles
No tae engage in small talk or chat aboot Giles
But tae offer me money tae shut ma mooth
Ah rebuked the reprobates for bein’ uncouth
And promised that ma lips would remain sealed
As long as ma identity wis never revealed
Ah wis eyed wi’ curiosity by the rest o’ the set
Wonderin’ who ah was an’ what ah wis daein’ wi’ Yvette
Yvette introduced me as an auld friend o’ Giles
An’ told them that for the funeral ah’d travelled many miles
Ah wis greeted by most wi’ politeness an’ smiles
But some were indifferent and ah got the occasional frown
“That’s strange,” ah heard wan o’ them say. “Giles never mentioned Lord Robert Brown.”
It didnae matter tae me because ah knew very soon
That Robert Broon wid be the talk o’ the toon
Or should ah say, Robert Brown would be the talk of the town
Ah had tae get used tae this new way o’ speakin’
Ah couldnae risk havin’ ma secret leakin’
Accordin’ tae Yvette ah did very well
An’ any hint o’ workin’ class would’ve been impossible tae tell
Deception is what ah dae best
An’ seein’ that ah past the test
Yvette informed the rest that ah wis her guest
An’ that ah’d be stayin’ wi’ her durin’ her time o’ grievin’
No that ah wis plannin’ oan leavin’
It wis a brilliant start
An’ ah really enjoyed playin’ the part
After the service we said oor goodbyes
An’ Yvette wiped the crocodile tears fae her eyes
Oh, ah have tae mention
Before we left ah had some female attention
An’ some forthright whispers o’ wicked intention
But Yvette wis the wan ah wis interested in
An’ as soon as we got home we gave in tae sin
The desire ignited as soon as we kissed
An’ ah realised that it wis somethin’ that ah sorely missed

Saturday, 14 May 2016

Oh, sister 25. (Memoirs of Nerys Jones v)

I’d been gettin’ some nervous looks from Siobhan
But I sensed that there was more than an illicit affair goin’ on
I had a feelin’ that Robert knew
And things were bein’ kept from me and the other two
It was certain that he had some devious plan
Robert could be a very evasive man
I’d begun to get bored with the usual requests
From the effeminate fops and the pain lovin’ pests
But one day I got one like no other
When a middle aged man came with his elderly mother
I soon found out why
“I wish to be a grandmother before I die,” she informed me. “But this boy of mine is incredibly shy.”
His name was Cedric and he was forty years old
Always there for mother and doin’ what he was told
She told me that women filled him with dread
And if one even spoke to him he’d blush bright red
Such shyness in a man I’d never seen
His behaviour was like that of a pimply teen
What a sheltered life he’d led
Never had a woman ever shared his bed
Well, apart from mother when he had a nightmare
But that can’t compare to a passionate affair
It was a bit sad to hear of what he’d missed
The tragic little fellow hadn’t even been kissed
His mother had arranged for him to be married
And the poor little sod was understandably harried 
That’s why she brought him to me
To rid him of his terrible timidity
I agreed to try and teach him intimacy
And asked her to give us some privacy
“No!” she cried. “I’m here to observe!”
Crikey, the woman had a nerve
I didn’t want to argue and began to undress
Cedric was shakin’ from extreme distress
“Cedric, don’t be coy!” his mother yelled. “Remove your clothes at once, boy!”
I grimaced at the man’s pitiful cries
And gaped at him with utter surprise
When my nakedness made him cover his eyes
“Mummy,” he wailed. “Please!”
But she shook her head at his desperate pleas
“I’m not giving in to those pathetic cries,” she told him. “Go to the whore and make that thing rise.”
I didn’t know what to do with the sobbin’ wimp
For even after coaxin’ he still remained limp
“Perhaps if you go,” I said to the mother. “Maybe it’s you that’s causin’ his woe.”
“No!” she shouted. “I told you I was here to observe the show.”
I decided I would have to take it very slow
Try everythin’ I knew to make it grow
I even got down on my knees
With lips and tongue I began to tease
And then suddenly it burst into life
There was some hope for his future wife
To the bed I beckoned
And we didn’t waste another second
In a matter of seconds he was done
But at least the poor fellow had a bit of fun
And mother was happy with her brave little chappie

Wednesday, 11 May 2016

Oh, sister 24. (Memoirs of Sally McGhee v)

We all got requests that were exceptionally bizarre
But the ones that I got were crazier by far
Some were kinky and some were perverted
But seldom was I disconcerted
That was due to somethin’ that Robert had imparted
About a fool and his money and how soon they were parted
With Robert lookin’ out for us we never had to worry
A rowdy customer would have been removed in a hurry
Not that any did us harm
Robert might have had charm
But the Scot’s fiery temper was cause for alarm
All our efforts were appreciated
He just didn’t like a lass to be inebriated
That was somethin’ he never tolerated
But one night a customer came in
And wanted me to share his bottle o’ gin
Robert’s rule I had to ignore
This was easy money for a thirsty whore
So while I locked the door
The customer got two mugs and began to pour
Down the hatch they went and he filled them once more
I think I lost count after drink number four
But we carried on drinkin’ ‘til there was hardly any more
That’s when I stood up and fell to the floor
I managed to get up and stagger to the door
With difficulty I should add as my leg was sore
Oh, mercy me
I was really quite drunk and needed to pee
Moments later I was aghast
When the man I was with wouldn’t let me past
I began to plead
“Please, sir,” I said. “I have an urgent need.”
But he was totally unconcerned about my dismay
And when I tried to get past he blocked the way
I felt the pressure mountin’
And heard him mention somethin’ about a human fountain
That was to be me
And he was goin’ to be the W.C.
Well, at that point in time I didn’t care about humiliation
I was on the verge of desperation
So I quickly pulled my bloomers down
And he crawled eagerly underneath my gown
I instantly got goin’ and he cried out with elation
When he felt the gush of the sordid saturation
As soon as I was done I showed him the door
Excitedly he told me that he’d soon be back for more
“Ye can come back next week,” I said. “Bring another bottle o’ gin and I’ll provide the leak.”
Immediately I got goin’ and scrubbed the floor
And not long afterwards there was a knock on my door
“Sally, what the hell is goin’ on?” cried Siobhan.
I got up of the floor and swore
And then hid what was left o’ the gin and invited her in
“What happened to that man?” she asked. “He was absolutely soakin’.”
When I told her the truth she thought that I was jokin’

Sunday, 8 May 2016

Oh, sister 23. (Memoirs of Siobhan MacGeary v)

So Robert and Yvette were plannin’ to wed
But I was the one that would be sharin’ her bed
Well, as soon as Giles was bumped off
I still wonder what she saw in that dreadful little toff
Prominence I suppose
More important than love to a toffee nose
He was a pompous swine
And that girly giggle and nasal whine
It was enough to drive ye insane
Payment was a bonus for inflictin’ pain
But I never wished him dead
Especially not naked in my bloody bed
A heart attack
It happened after I’d given him his umpteenth whack
His time was up and he was about to get dressed
When suddenly he cried and held his chest
Staggered backwards and fell on the bed
From the look o’ his eyes I could tell that he was dead
I can tell ye that I was in a state o’ disarray
I was still a bit shaky from the one the other day
I screamed for Robert as I didn’t know what else to do
Seconds later he came runnin’ through
“I think he’s dead,” I said with utter dread.
Robert went to look at him on the bed and nodded his head. “Aye, deid withoot havin’ tae bleed. This is very good news indeed. At least ah don’t have tae dae the grisly deed.”
I began to fret. “Oh, Robert, what are we goin’ to tell Yvette?”
“Don’t you worry, pet,” he said. “Ah’ll go an’ get Yvette. Ah’m sure she’ll no be that upset.”
“Do you have to go alone?” I asked. “I don’t fancy stayin’ here on my own.”
Before he left he kissed my cheek. “Ah better hurry,” he said. “It’ll no be long until he starts tae reek.”
He returned with Yvette within the hour
“Oh, Siobhan!” she cried. “Do not worry, my little flower.”
“Time tae get rid o’ the stiff,” Robert said. “Ah don’t want the hoose tae have a whiff.”
“Yes, there is little time for chat,” Yvette concurred. “Tell me, Robert, how are you going to do that?”
“He’s no too big an’ he’s no too fat,” Robert responded. “Siobhan, ah’ll need a dress an’ shoes an’ a wide brimmed hat.”
“Robert, I don’t understand,” said Yvette. “What exactly do you have planned?”     
“We’re goin’ tae expose his secret life,” Robert replied. “An’ you’ll get tae play the flabbergasted wife.”
“You mean to tell me that he’s going to be found?” cried Yvette. “Do you know how quickly word will get around?”
“Aye, don’t ye see?” Robert said. “That can only be good for me. We could wed immediately withoot raisin’ suspicion an’ ah can get started wi’ securin’ ma ambition.”
With the help o’ the undertaker we got the body away
And dumped him in a nearby alleyway
We dressed him in a bright pink gown
And the followin’ day it was the talk o’ the town
Very soon we’d all be free
As long as we kept it secret from the other three
The one that worried me the most was Nerys
She still hadn’t asked for money to hold her peace

Wednesday, 4 May 2016

Oh, sister 22. (Memoirs of Nancy Trollop v)

I never liked the undertaker
The ‘orrid little runt weren’t exactly a troublemaker
But if things didn’t go ‘is way
Then ‘e’d storm out of the ‘ouse and refuse to pay
Do you wanna know ‘ow the toerag got ‘is thrill?
By makin’ me lie still
Like death
Oh, and that ‘orrible breath
When he got close
That terrible pong went right up my nose
So I would lie there givin’ ‘im that corpse like stare
While ‘e slowly and painstakin’ly stripped me bare
I wasn’t even allowed to move a little bit
Otherwise the degenerate would ‘ave a screamin’ fit
I ‘ad to lie there on the bed and pretend to be dead
I know that sounds a little bit iffy
But if everythin’ was right ‘e’d ‘ave a stiffy in a jiffy
Ready to take me at will
But first ‘e ‘ad to make sure that I was completely still
So the ‘e could relish in the fantasy ‘e was about to fulfil
Even the thought would give most girls a chill
And when ‘e began to thrust
Silence was an absolute must
Lyin’ there waitin’ for ‘im to spill
A scream from me would’ve been awfully shrill
At least it was always quick
But that didn’t stop me feelin’ sick
I even asked Robert to keep ‘im away    
But ‘e just wanted to avoid an affray 
“Jist dae whatever he asks ye tae dae,” ‘e said. “Chances are we’ll need a favour someday.”
“Are you mad in the ‘ead?” I said. “Do I look like I need a bed for the dead?”
Robert laughed until ‘e was chokin’ and coughin’
“Naw, ya silly moo!” he cried. “I wisnae oan aboot a free bloody coffin!”
I ‘ad no idea of what ‘e meant
What else was there to get from the despicable gent?
And then suddenly I understood what ‘e said
It’s somethin’ that fills every ‘ore with dread
Crikey, I’d be mortified
If one of me customers suddenly died
But if there was a chance to make the body disappear
The Old Bill would be none the wiser that ‘e were ever ‘ere
“Nancy, the undertaker an’ me have made a deal,” Robert told me. “If we ever have a body, he’ll help tae conceal. If there’s no a body, then there’s naebody tae blame. The deceased will be buried wi’ a fictitious name.”
And that’s exactly what ‘appened a week after we spoke
One of Nerys’ ‘ad a stroke
Fell to the floor and banged is ‘ead
Nerys kept screamin’, “The man is dead!”
“Somebody calm her doon,” Robert told the rest o’ us. “Ah need tae bring the undertaker aroon’.”
We ‘ad to be discreet
Makin’ sure no one was out in the street
Everyone played their part
Carryin’ the corpse to the ‘orse and cart
And gettin’ ‘im in a box before anyone clocks 
The men departed without delay
Just to get the body out of the way
It was a great relief to ‘ave avoided a blunder
Early in the morn ‘e was six feet under 

Sunday, 1 May 2016

Oh, sister 21. (Memoirs of Robert Brown v)

In for a penny in for a pound
Take that approach an’ riches can be found
If ye don’t take a chance ye’re never gonnae get
An’ ah knew Siobhan’s lover would be ma best bet yet
Siobhan never knew that ah knew aboot Yvette
So when ah related that tae her she wis terribly upset
Ah told her no tae fret
It wisnae her reputation that wis under threat
It wis the esteem o’ her rich paramour
Naebody wis concerned aboot the sins o’ a whore
Siobhan broke the news tae her the very next day
An’ she came tae the hoose withoot delay
She even brought that halfwit Giles
So ah flashed him one o’ ma best fake smiles
And sent him tae Siobhan tae get his licks
Or whatever way the idiot got his kicks
Leavin’ me wi’ the lovely Yvette
Ah’ve always been partial tae a tasty brunette
“I can’t say that I’m pleased to meet you, Mr. Brown,” she said. “Is there somewhere we can go and sit down?”
“The drawin’ room is undergoin’ some significant repairs,” ah replied. “But we can go tae ma study at the top o’ the stairs.”
Ah thought that ma facetiousness would’ve had her riled
But she got the humour an’ merely smiled
“Anywhere is fine, just lead the way,” she told me. “I’ve only come to listen to what you have to say.”
So ah took her tae ma office that wis oan the first floor
And offered a drink when ah opened the door
“A wee dram o’ whisky?” ah asked her. “Or perhaps a brandy instead?”
“Nothing for me,” she replied wi’ a shake o’ the head.
Ah pulled oot a chair for the bonnie lass
Grabbed the bottle o’ whisky an’ poured a glass
An’ then sat doon opposite the lady o’ class
“Mr. Brown, how much will it take?” she asked. “My standing in society is evidently at stake.”
“Call me Robert, please,” ah told her. “Ah’d like tae feel that we were baith at ease.”
“And you may call me Yvette,” she said. “You still haven’t answered my question yet.”
“Well, ah’m no a man tae make an idle threat, Yvette,” ah said. “An’ money is no the only thing ah’m oot tae get.”
“Dear Robert, are you suggesting three?” she asked me. “You, Siobhan and me?”
For a few brief moments ah wis fantasisin’. “Naw,” ah said tae her. “But the thought o’ that is very tantalisin’.”
“So, what is it you want from me?” she asked and chortled wi’ glee.
“Ah want tae mix wi’ people o’ your class,” ah answered. “An’ you’re the wan that’s gonnae help me pass.”
“Well, that wasn’t quite what I expected,” she said. “A desire for prestige and to be well respected. Robert, I can sense that you’re a man of intellect, but I do propose that you abandon that silly dialect.”
“The dialect is purely a matter of choice,” ah said to her in ma poshest voice. “But to achieve one’s dream, one must be hell bent. I can adopt the voice of a proper gent.”
“My dear man, I do believe you can,” she said. “Other things will be required for playing the part. Clothes, money and title for a start.”   
“An’ Giles’ demise,” ah added an’ begot her surprise.
“And why would you want him dead?” she asked. “It’s a rather drastic course of action just to get into my bed.”
“It’s the only way we can legally wed,” ah said.
We were interrupted by Siobhan knockin’ oan the door
“I will return to see you so that we can discuss this more,” she said. “Now, open the door for that adorable little whore.”