Saturday, 30 January 2016

Oh, brother (part 77) by Grant Harbison

Deplorium introduced Blaine to Truman and Borium
“Hello Brothers,” greeted Blaine. “I never thought I’d see you two again.”
“Blaine, ye actually ken this pair?” asked Deplorium. “Well, greet the man, ya rude buggers. Don’t jist stare.”
“Blaine, what are you doing here?” asked Borium with a look of surprise and a voice emanating fear.”
“To visit the greatest arm wrestler of all. The other reason I can’t recall.”
“Well, it’s truly wonderful to see you again,” lied Truman. “Tell me, how goes it with Mistress Paine?”
Sorrow beset Blaine at the mention of her name. “A crime was committed and they said she was to blame. I can’t help but thinkin’ she is why I came. Ye have to forgive my memory; it’s not quite the same.”
“Well, ah’m sure it will prevail,” said Deplorium. “What would ye say tae a bucket o’ ale?”
“I’d say a bucket o’ water instead. Lately strong drink  plays with my head.”
“What’s the matter wi’ you? Ye’re no the sort tae turn doon a brew.”
“If that’s what he wants, let him be,” said Borium. “He’s right when he says it doesn’t agree.”
“Then ye can get it yersel’,” Deplorium said to Blaine. “Ootside there’s a bucket ye can lower intae the well.”
“Does he seem tae you a wee bit strange?” Deplorium asked Truman and Borium when he left. “Ah havnae seen him for a while, but there’s a definite change.”
“I think he’s been sent to force our return,” replied Truman. “For the crime we committed, they want us to burn.”
“But why?” asked Deplorium as he dished out the pie.
“It’s obvious from what he’s said that his woman has been incarcerated,” replied Borium. “That has left him helpless and very frustrated.”
“The loss of memory is what he wants us to think,” said Truman. “But tonight I’ll certainly not sleep a wink.”
“Well, if that’s the case, she’ll never be free,” said Deplorium. “Because tae get tae you, he’ll have tae go through me.”
“Hush,” whispered Borium. “He’s on his way back. Be prepared for any sudden attack.”
“Welcome back, Blaine. Come an’ have a seat,” said Deplorium. “ Ah hope ye enjoy what ah’ve made us tae eat.”
After they’d eaten
Deplorium began to yawn
“Ah’m gonnae sleep till way past dawn.”
“Go and rest yer weary head,” said Blaine. “And thanks for the meal. It’s been a while since I’ve been decently fed. I think I’ll go and take a wee walk. Borium, Truman, would ye like to join me. Let me show you a horse that can talk.”
“Brother Blaine, do you think that we are so na├»ve?” asked Truman. “What kind of trickery have you got up your sleeve?”
“I promise ye it’s true. I have no reason to lie to you.”
“But it’s totally absurd,” responded Borium. “But just to please you, Truman and I will take your word.”

Tuesday, 26 January 2016

Oh, brother (part 76) by Grant Harbison

Blaine and Bess arrived at the abbey
And were met by a monk by the name of Rabbie
He eyed Blaine suspiciously and drank ale from a pail. “Who are you?” he asked. “An’ fae where dae ye hail?”
“Blaine, jist answer the man an’ have no fear,” said Bess. “An’ remember everythin’ ah told ye. Dae ye hear?”
“Yes, my lovely mare. It’s nice to know that ye really care.”
“Who the hell are ye talkin’ tae, ya bloody bampot?” Rabbie asked him. “An’ yer speech is no Anglo an’ definitely no Scot. “Noo answer ma question. Don’t make me ask again, or ah’ll take ma axe an’ split yer brain.”
Blaine forced a smile. “I hail from the Emerald Isle. I’ve travelled many days and nights in the wind and rain. I’ve come to see Deplorium and my name is Blaine.”
“Ah can barely understaun yer brogue. Deplorium, did ye say? What dae ye want wi’ that wee rogue?”
“I come as friend and mean no harm. Deplorium once beat me in a wrestle of the arm.”  
“An’ ye expect me tae believe that’s true? The size o’ him compared tae you?”
“It may be true about the difference in size, but the wiry wee man took me by surprise.”
“Ah’ll gie ye the benefit o’ the doubt. Stay where ye are an’ ah’ll see if he’s about.”
After waiting a considerable while
Deplorium came to meet Blaine and flashed him a smile. “Well, if it isnae ma auld friend fae the Emerald isle. “How are ye daein’, Brother Blaine? Come inside. Let’s get oot o’ the rain.”
“What about my mare?”
“Ah’ll get somebody tae stable it wi’ the other pair.”
“I hope you don’t mind me droppin’ by?”
“Naw, ye’re welcome tae food an’ a place tae lie. Would ye care tae partake in some beet an’ grouse pie?”
“I’m so hungry I could eat a…of course.”

Sunday, 24 January 2016

Oh, brother (part 75) by Grant Harbison

“Did ah dae okay?” asked Beryl when the ball showed Blaine and Bess continuing on their way.
“Yes,” cackled Jess. “I think the monk be wary of Bess.”
“No, I said to take it slow!” cried Shear extremely riled. “We’re just lucky the man has a mind like a child.”
“Why are you so irked?” asked Beryl. “All that matters is that it worked.”
“Because very soon he will be arriving at his destination and certain things need preparation. I won’t have him acting like a fool. That’s not the way to use our tool.”
“What about ale?” asked Ilirium. “If he partakes in that then all will fail.”
“What do you mean?”
“It only takes two sips to pass his lips and he becomes the maddest man that you’ve ever seen.”
“And you never thought to let me know? I’m trying to help you defeat your foe!”
“Calm down,  my dear Shear,” said Jess. “I never be seeing you with so much aggravation.”
“Perhaps if I had some cooperation then there wouldn’t be cause for irritation. Just as well all is going to plan with the female lovers and the rejected man. Now, if you’ll excuse me I think it’s time I napped. I can’t concentrate anymore as I’m truly sapped.”
“Rest well, Shear,” said Beryl. “Ah promise ah’ll no dae anythin’ silly. Dinnae fear.”
“I’ve never seen her act like this before,” said Jess when Shear lay down and began to snore.
“Well, we cannae always be meek an’ mild. Especially when one is carryin’ child.”
“I never was detectin’ that she be expectin’.”
“Jess, ah thought ye knew. Ye can hear her every mornin’ when she gets up tae spew. And she’s no jist carryin’ one, she’s carryin’ two.”
“But that can’t be right. Shear de Lite be a hermaphrodite. She has female bits and a man thing that can rise, but I’d never be thinkin’ that it’d be possible to fertilise.”
“Ladies, we have little time to spare,” said Ilirium. “Wake up Shear and tell her that Blaine is almost there.” 

Friday, 22 January 2016

Oh, brother (part 74) by Grant Harbison

“Oh, what a glorious day,” said Bess. “Ah’ll jist finish eatin’ this hay an’ we can be oan oor way.”
“A wee bit chilly, my wonderful filly,” said Blaine. “A strong wind blows and the sky is grey.”
“Don’t contradict what ah say! If ah say it’s a glorious day, it’s a glorious day!”
Blaine looked at her in dismay
Wondering why she would behave in such a way
“And another thing ah should mention noo that ah’ve got yer attention. Anythin’ ah tell ye tae dae or say, ye’ll obey.”
“Bess, if ye’re tryin’ to scare, it’s workin’, my lovely mare,” he said as she gave him a fixed stare.
 “Keep lookin’ at ma eyes,” she said and began to hypnotise. “Ye’re driftin’ intae slumber. Ye shall awaken when ah mention a number. That number is eight, an’ when ye hear it, ye’ll cooperate.”
Blaine eyes closed and he promptly dozed
For a couple of seconds he was made to wait
Blaine awoke in a hypnotic state
“Let’s have a wee test,” said Bess. “Aye, ah think that’ll be best. Blaine, ah want ye tae strip bare an’ howl like a hound wi’ yer hands in the air.”
Blaine did as he was told
Stoic and bold
With no sense of shame nor concern for the cold
Bess chortled with glee. “What else can ah get ye dae for me? Let’s see. Blaine, when ah say the number three, ah want ye tae buzz like a bee an’ then run an’ climb yonder tree. Do ye think ye can dae that successfully?”
Blaine nodded his head eagerly
Buzzing like a bee
Blaine ran as fast as he could towards the large oak tree
“Blaine, get back tae me!” she yelled when he’d climbed the tree. “Fae now on this is how it’s gonnae be!” 

Thursday, 21 January 2016

Oh, brother (part 73) by Grant Harbison

Claude cursed as it started to rain
And the fact that he had to take the rein
In the cart Maude and Paine slept tight
Both had been silent since early light
And he sensed that something wasn’t right
With day turning to night
He stopped the horse and cart for some needed respite
Immediately he woke up Maude and Paine
“Ladies, I need some sleep,” he told them. “My eyes are taking strain. We’ll start out early morning again.”
“Rest well, Claude,” said Maude.
Claude crawled underneath the cover in the cart and instantly snored
Maude stared at Paine. “What happened last night cannot be ignored.”
“Maude, what do you want me to say?”
“Say that we can be together again. Say that you will with me lay.”
“Nay, my love is for Blaine and I will not be led astray.”
“And I’d say that you are a liar. I know you feel the same desire.”
“No, it isn’t so.”
Maude moved closer and saw Paine glow. “Yes, and you very well know.”
Maude’s lips met Paine’s and they tenderly kissed
Yielding to a yearn that they couldn’t resist
Writhing with an insatiable yen
Together they made love again and again
In the midst of their orgasmic throes
Claude heard their cries and immediately arose
Instantly he felt his anger brewing. “Maude!” he yelled. “What the hell do you think you are doing?”
Maude and Paine instantly separated
Knowing that they were about to be berated
“You tell me you love me and now you cheat?” he cried “Why the deceit? With a woman I cannot compete.”
“I still love you, Claude,” replied Maude. “But Paine makes me complete.”

Sunday, 17 January 2016

Oh, brother (part 72) by Grant Harbison

“Dinnae worry, all will be well,” Deplorium told Truman and Borium as they waited anxiously in an underground cell.
“How can you be so at ease?” asked Borium. “And for goodness sake, Truman, would you stop that incessant jabbering and get off your knees!”
“There nothin’ tae worry aboot,” replied Deplorium. “Hamish will be arrested when they find the loot.”
Truman stopped his babbling and began to cry
“You betrayed a friend, Deplorium,” said Borium. “Why?”
“In a case like this ye have tae be sly. Or would ye prefer it if we were tae die?”
“Prepare to draw your last breath!” howled Truman. “Repent before impending death!”
“Borium, slap his face!” yelled Deplorium. “He’s gettin’ oan ma wick!”
Just then they heard a click
All three swallowed hard and wanted to be sick
“You lot look like ye’ve seen a ghost,” the guard chuckled. “Dinnae worry, ye’re no gonnae roast. The laird wants tae see you three. Between you an’ me, it looks like ye’re gonnae be set free.”
A little while later they stood in front of the laird
“Ye don’t look very scared,” he said. “Ah hope the guard didnae mention that ye’re gonnae be spared.”
“News like that ah don’t think he would’ve dared shared,” responded Deplorium. “Conditions wurnae great underneath. So ye could say it’s relief.”
“Well, much tae ma surprise, ye spoke the truth for a change. No yer usual lies.”
“Ah’m assumin’ ye got yer man.”
“Aye. Ah never would’ve guessed it wis Hamish MacCann.”
“It jist goes tae show. Even people ye ken can sink really low. Yer Lairdship, are we free tae go?”
“Aye, get oot o’ ma sight. Ah’ve got tae sort oot MacCann’s  execution before the end o’ light. Ah’ll be keepin’ a close eye oan you, Deplorium. You and the Sassenachs…”
“Truman an’ Borium.”
Each of them got a glimpse of the laird’s hound as they were leaving the manor ground
Borium’s heart began to pound. “If that gets loose from the enclosure I don’t want to be around.”
“Homeward bound!” hollered Truman. “Oh, how good it feels to be safe and sound!”
“Truman, you really did despair in there,” said Borium. “Wouldn’t you agree, Deplorium?”
Deplorium wasn’t listening to anything that was said
He had other things going around in his head
The next job and who to rob

Saturday, 16 January 2016

Oh, brother (part 71) by Grant Harbison

“Oh, that was a scream,” said Ilirium as he managed to suppress his laughter. “Poor Brother Blaine must have thought that he was having a bad dream.”
“Hilarious,” cackled Jess. “Beryl, I loved the way you been doing the voice of Bess.”
“A bit husky though,” responded Beryl. “But horsey nonetheless.”
“Somewhat cruel,” stated Shear. “But the monk is a very good tool. We’re very lucky that the man is a fool.”
“Shear, thank you, my dear,” said Jess. “That plant be good for casting a spell, and it be doing wonders for my ball as well.”
“So, what happens next, Shear?” asked Ilirium. “I can’t wait for the vision to reappear.”
“Having him believe that the horse speaks was a must. Now we have to make sure that he has total trust. Beryl, slowly start to take command. We have to make sure he adheres to the horse’s demand.”  
“That ah’ll dae,” said Beryl. “Jist let me know what ye want me tae say.”
“I’ll advise you when he’s once more on his way.”
“Shear, what will happen when he gets to his destination?” asked Ilirium. “It could turn out to be quite a tricky situation.”
“Of that I’m well aware and I’ll devise a plan when he arrives there.”
“Why not just make him kill?”
“No, Ilirium. The monks must leave on their own free will.’
“But why? My brother’s slaying will be avenged if both of them die.”
“Using the power for a murderous deed could unleash dark forces that will never recede. No, to the monastery he will go as friend not foe.”
“But surely Borium and Truman will know.”
“His arrival will be a surprise. But that he is on a mission, they are none the wise. This part of his journey he did merely intend to spend some time with a very good friend. It will be a surprise for him too when he sees the other two.
“You are forgetting that Blaine is a man who doesn’t know restrain. How do you propose to filter that to his brain?”
“By making him forget about his quest. Temporarily until we can safely contest.”
“But what about the others who be in search of Blaine?” asked Jess. “The man, the bawd and the one called Paine.”
“Both the women are under a spell and so far everything is going quite well. Their intense attraction may be enough to cause a distraction, but if it doesn’t progress through coercion, I may need a diversion.”

Wednesday, 13 January 2016

Oh, brother (part 70) by Grant Harbison

Blaine screamed loudly when he eventually came to. “What the hell are you?”
“Take a guess,” answered Bess.
“Less o’ yer mockery, I have perfectly good eyes. What are you in a horse’s disguise?”
“Jist because ah’ve got somethin’ tae say disnae mean that there’s demons at play. But if ye prefer, ah’ll simply jist neigh.”
Blaine clasped his hands and began to pray. “Lord, I beseech ye, take this demon away. Or at least keep the abomination at bay.”
“Och, dinnae be silly. Ah’m nothin’ more than a gorgeous wee filly.”
“I’ve warned ye not to mock. I know fine well that horses don’t talk.”
“Look Blaine, this is no some kind o’ spoof. Ah think we might have got off on the wrong foot. Or in ma case, hoof.”
Blaine laughed so hard that he fell to the floor
Rolled on the ground and continued to roar
“Ah’m glad ye thought that wis funny. ah thought it wis daft,” said Bess and also laughed. “Noo, get tae yer feet. It’s time we had somethin’ tae drink an’ somethin’ tae eat.” 
Blaine finally managed to achieve some calm
Got up and stroked the horse’s head with his palm
“I’m sorry I doubted you, Bess,” he said. “But ye did cause me a wee bit o’ distress.”
“Ah can quite understand yer shock. Many don’t get a chance tae hear a horse talk.”  
After their thirst was quenched
And their hunger satisfied
Blaine climbed on Bess and they continued to ride
“I’ve been told that words are spoken from certain bird’s beaks, but no one has ever mentioned a horse that speaks,” said Blaine. “When did it start and how did ye master the art?”
“Ah cannae be sure. When ah wis young ah used tae listen tae Allure. An’ this might sound absurd, but late at night in the stable, ah used tae practice every word.”
“Surely ye jest.”
“Naw, it’s amazin’ what ye can achieve when ye have that zest.”
“I’m impressed.”
“Blaine, ah’m gonnae go north for a wee bit an’ then turn west. Darkness will soon be upon us an’ we’ll need a bit o’ rest.”
“No problem, Bess. I’m sure you know best.”    

Tuesday, 12 January 2016

Oh, brother (part 69) by Grant Harbison

“Oh Miss Paine, what have you done?” moaned Maude. “It was only supposed to be a little bit of fun.”
“Because he was an irritating sod, Madame Maude. I’m sorry that he’s dead, but he fillied me with ire. I’ve never known anyone with such an insatiable desire.”
“There’s something in the cart I can use to dig a hole,” said Claude. “At least I can bury the poor soul.”
“Why not leave him above the ground?” suggested Paine. “I’m sure he’ll be a feast for a hungry hound.”
“Miss Paine, I know that you are in a hurry to reach Blaine, but what you are suggesting is quite inhumane,” said Maude. “Not only that, but utterly insane. If we were suspected, how would we explain?”
“Maude is right,” said Claude. “I’ll bury him tonight and we’ll leave at first light.”
So Claude buried Arthur and they went down for the night
All wrapped up on the cold wintry night
Maude to the left of Claude and Paine to the right
Maude reached out and gently rubbed Claude’s thighs
Moved a little higher and he began to rise
Paine lay still and listened to their sighs
And then turned to look when she heard Maude’s cries
Maude caught her eye and she expected to be berated
But what happened next was not what she anticipated
As soon as the couple had copulated
Maude tried again to get him inflated
But Claude just sighed and told her he was sated
Leaving poor Maude feeling highly frustrated
Leaving her to vociferously complain
With the certainty that he wouldn’t rise again
She moved away and moved beside Paine
What started as a solitary kiss
Turned to passionate carnal bliss
And so they carried on
Until weariness took over just before dawn
When night became day
Claude took the reins and they were on their way
Maude and Paine knew it would be a very long day
As none of them knew what to say
While wrapped under covers in the cart they lay

Sunday, 10 January 2016

Oh, brother (part 68) by Grant Harbison

Deplorium was awoken in his bed
By the sharp point of a sword that was pressed against his head
He stared in terror and his heart instantly pounded
When he saw that the laird’s soldiers had him surrounded
“Get oot o’ bed,” said the soldier who had the sword to his head. “Ye’ve been summoned tae Laird MacBlach’s. You an’ the two wee Sassenachs.”
“Why?” asked Deplorium. “Ah’ve done nothin’ wrong.”
“Jist dae what ah say or ah’ll slay ye where ye lay,” responded the soldier. “An’ gie yersel’ a wash first. Ye really pong!”
Deplorium got washed and dressed and went to wake up Truman and Borium
“You look very pale,” Borium said to Deplorium. “Does something ail?”
“Look, try not tae be scared. Some soldiers have come tae take us tae the laird.”
Borium stared at him wide eyed. “I’m not scared, I’m petrified!”
“Lord have mercy on us this day,” whined Truman and got down on his knees and started to pray.
“Och, would you two hush,” said Deplorium irritably. “Get yersel’s ready. We need tae rush.”
A little while later they arrived at the manor house
“Ye’ve been pilferin’ again, Deplorium,” said MacBlach. “An’ don’t try tae deny it, ya sneaky wee louse.”
“Laird Macblach, ah dinnae ken what ye mean.”
MacBlach eyed him with contempt. “How many times has it been?”
“Ah’ll admit ah havnae been a saint, but ah’ve changed ma ways an’ learned constraint.”
“Dinnae lie tae me!” yelled MacBlach angrily. “Or ye’ll find yersel’ swingin’ fae a tree!”
“Laird MacBlach, ah’m beggin’ ye, please!” bawled Deplorium and fell to his knees. “Ah really dinnae ken what ye’re oan aboot!”
“Where’s the loot?”
“It might help if ye say who it belongs tae.”
“It belongs tae me. Some o’ it wis recovered doon by the sea.”
“Then ah ken yer man. It could only be Hamish MacCann.”
“Ye’re as desperate as a condemned witch. Ye’d dae anythin’ tae save yer skin. Even snitch.”
“Naw, ah swear it’s true. Ah’d never dare lie tae you. The other night ah went for a pail o’ ale an’ he told me that he had goods an’ tried tae make a sale.”
“That sounds tae me like a very tall tale.”
“Ah ken where he keeps his wares. At the back o’ the tavern at the top o’ the stairs.”
“Ah’ll send ma men tae have a look. And if ye’re lyin’? It’ll no be the rope, ye’ll bloody well cook!”

Thursday, 7 January 2016

Oh, brother (part 67) by Grant Harbison

“I think that something be coming through!” cried Jess excitedly as her crystal ball turned bright blue.
“I’m so happy for you,” said Ilirium sullenly. “What good can it do?”
“Damn and blast!” yelled Jess. “Balls of today weren’t made to last!”
“Goodness me, Jess!” Beryl cried. “What has got you so harassed?”
“I don’t be getting future. It’s only giving past.”
“But how can that be? What do you see?”
“In the land o’ the Norse I be seeing the wayward monks. Beryl, come here and see these Viking hunks.”
Beryl went to look at the ball. “Jess, ah dinnae see anythin’ at all.”
“Stupid ball has decided to stall.”
The image came back and they gasped in surprise
“Beryl, look at the Viking’s size! A whopper like that could win a prize!”
“Aye, nae wonder the wee monk has got tears in his eyes!”
Ilirium jumped up in exasperation. “Are you two eying fornication?”
“Yes!” replied Jess and they giggled with elation.
“You are supposed to be helping my situation!”
“Ain’t nothin’ I can do about that right now, little one. “Let Beryl and I just have a little fun.”
“I’d get rid of that ball if I were you,” said Shear when she came through. “It’s about to expire and that’s what they do. Seek to titillate and bring nothing new. It’s what is known as crystal blues. Please put it away for now, Jess. I have some news.”
“What do you want to be sayin’, dear? Did the voice speak? What did ye hear?”
“The plant that is used for their potion is not of this globe. My guide did deftly probe.”
“Globe?” queried Ilirium. “I’m confused. Surely that’s the wrong word that you’ve used.”
“No. By globe, I do mean world. That’s what my guide relayed to me and what she has unfurled.”
“How can you listen to that?” exclaimed Ilirium. “Everyone knows the world is flat!”
“No, not at all. All of us live in a great big ball.”
“If that was the case we’d slip and fall.”
“It disnae matter whether it’s flat or sphere,” said Beryl. “The question is how did the plant get here?”
“On silver ships that can fly, came other beings from the sky. They were devoid of compassion and extremely sour, and their presence alone made everyone cower. But it was the plant that they brought that gave them power. It has yellow leaves and a little black flower. Its size is about a human foot in length, and when the leaves are consumed, one acquires great strength. The flower doesn’t go to waste, and when mixed in water, it forms a thick paste. When one holds it in their hand, one is in total command. And if one can withstand the smell, consumption of this will make or break any spell.”
“That is totally absurd,” said Ilirium. “I don’t believe a word.”
“Well, believe it or not,” said Shear. “I was told where to find and now I’ve got.”
“Little one, one thing you have to know about Shear is that she’d never lie,” said Jess. “So, Miss de Lite, shall we be givin’ it a try?”  

Tuesday, 5 January 2016

Oh, brother (part 66) by Grant Harbison

“Thank ye for yer kind hospitality, Allure,” said Blaine. “For the gift o’ the horse too. Are ye sure?”
“Of course ah am, Blaine. Dinnae worry, Bess will get ye there in a hurry. Go an’ get the monks an’ rescue Paine. Let her once again be in the arms o’ her dashin’ young swain.”
“There’s just one thing I’d like to know. I’ve never been on a horse. How do ye make it go?”
“Jist talk an’ she’ll walk.”
“She’ll understand?”
“Every command.”
“Well, I never…That’s very clever.”
“It’s time ye were oan yer way. Ah wish ye luck an’ ah’ll pray each day. Bess will let ye know when she is in need; when she needs water an’ when she needs feed.”
Blaine got on the horse and said goodbye
Allure blew him a kiss and let out a sigh
“Let’s go, my beautiful mare,” he said to Bess. “Just a wee trot to start with and then I’ll see if I dare.”
Bess began to neigh and moments later they were on their way
“I can understand the whinny,” said Blaine. “I bet ye wish that I was someone skinny.”
Bess neighed again
“I think ye do understand what I’m sayin’,” chuckled Blaine.
They travelled for a while until Blaine began to thirst
It was not the worst
But he had the horse to think of and she had to come first
“Bess, I think we’ll take a turn. On our right I see a wee burn. I’ll fill up my urn and you can have a drink. What do ye think?”
“Ah think that’s a bloody good idea, Blaine,” replied Bess. “Ah’m parched fae aw that strain.”
Blaine dismounted in alarm. “Please don’t do me any harm!”
But no more words came from the mare
She just gave Blaine a curious stare
Blaine stood back in absolute fear. “It’s the heebie-jeebies that’s makin’ me hear,” he stammered. “My old friend Drew had a problem wi’ the brew. He said that he saw a green man and swore it was true. Then there was Grant. He once spoke to a pink monster wi’ the name o’ Ellie Fant. Now I’m gettin’ weak, for I’m almost sure I heard the horse speak.”
Tentatively he walked back to the mare
Still she gave him an inquisitive stare
He reached out and gave her a stroke. “Sorry about that, fine creature. I think my mind was playin’ a joke.”
 “A pink monster called Ellie Fant,” scoffed Bess. “Bit o’ a nutter is he, this lad called Grant? Still, ah like the image he painted.”
That was the moment that Brother Blaine fainted     

Monday, 4 January 2016

Oh, brother (part 65) by Grant Harbison

“You’re insane if you think I’m going to turn around again,” said Arthur Haynes. “Not even for a special treat from you, Miss Paine.”
“But I have to know if it’s Blaine!” wailed Paine.
“Mistress Paine, it cannot be Blaine,” said Maude. “To the hag in the woods it would have been shown. Trust me, if anything was going to happen to Blaine, she would have known.”
“I agree with Maude,” said Claude. “Have no fear, my dear. The old hag is renowned for being the perfect seer.”
“Yes, I know of her reputation. I apologise, Arthur’s words gave rise to my consternation.”
“So what’s it to be?” asked Arthur. “Are you going your own way or coming with me?”
“Sir, we will remain on the cart,” replied Claude. “You may depart.”
“Ah, but we’ve delayed, and it’s been a while since I’ve been flayed. Don’t you think?” he said as he turned to Paine and gave her a wink.
Paine screamed in frustration. “I’ll give you flagellation! Now get stripped and be prepared to be severely whipped!”
Arthur did his part
Took off his robe and put his hands against the cart
The ferocity in Paine began to abound
And she whipped him continuously until he fell to the ground
“No!” he cried. “Please, no more!”
But Paine just smiled and chose to ignore
Along the ground he crawled. “Stop, I beg you!” he bawled.
“You’re the one who likes it rough!” yelled Paine. “I’ll decide when you’ve had enough!”
Arthur began to wheeze and put his hands to his heart
“Paine, stop!” cried Maude as she and Claude jumped off the cart.
Paine stopped and stared at Haynes with ice cold eyes
Devoid of compassion as he struggled to rise
He got to his feet and then fell on his head
Maude looked on with utter dread
While Claude ran to where he bled
“Too late,” he said. “This man is dead.” 

Saturday, 2 January 2016

Preachin' ain't reachin' by Grant Harbison

“The preachin’ ain’t reachin’!” cried St. Peter as he made me wait at the pearly gate.
I wasn’t sure what he meant
This large and somewhat eccentric gent
And who would’ve guessed that he’d have a Southern accent
He was loud like an Evangelist minister
And my guess was that he could be equally sinister
He pointed to a book and began to sneer. “Ah’ve been through the book, boy. Your name ain’t here.”
It was then that my patience wore a little thin. “Hey Peter, are you going to let me in?”
“Ah can’t let you in if your name ain’t within. It looks like you’ve committed the unpardonable sin.”
“What did I do that was so wrong?”
“You were told many times but remained headstrong.”
“But I lived a good life. I made the most.”
“Facebook made you well aware of what would happen if you didn’t share. You failed to repost and the punishment is Hell where you’ll eternally roast.”
“But I always meant to do it later.”
“It’s too late now, boy. It’s the down elevator.”
“Please, there must be a way that I can make amends.”
Peter shook his head. “You should have listened to your Facebook friends.”
“No! Surely life wasn’t just about this?”
“Yes, and now you’re being denied Heavenly bliss.”
“Oh, how I wish I was still alive!”
“Go to the elevator door, boy. It’s about to arrive.” 

Friday, 1 January 2016

Oh, brother (part 64) by Grant Harbison

“Wake up, ya lazy wee pair!” Deplorium yelled to Truman and Borium. “The smell of menace is in the air!”
Truman and Borium were immediately out of their beds
“We have to leave at once!” cried Borium. “When MacBlach and his men come they’ll have our heads!”
“It’s got nothin’ tae dae wi’ the laird or the loot,” said Deplorium. “The threat o’ another spell is what ah’m oan aboot.”
“But how do you know?” asked Truman. “You need to teach us how to suppress our foe.”
“Yes, Deplorium,” said Borium. “Teach us all that you know. Enlighten us and allow our power to grow.”
“Ah will teach ye the way, but for now jist listen tae what ah’ve got tae say. There’s a brew ah make usin’ a certain weed, an’ this mornin’ the visions were very strange indeed. The foe has become four an’ it’s jist a matter o’ time before their power begins tae soar. Ah’m worried aboot the one that’s both man an’ woman.”
“But how can someone be both man and woman?” asked Truman.
“Exactly,” replied Deplorium. “Such a creature cannae be human.”
“Then you have to do everything in your power to expel!” cried Borium in terror. “For surely it’s a creature from Hell!”
“Ah’ve heard men talk aboot ladies fae Hades. Ah thought it wis aw lies, but noo ah’ve seen it wi ma ain two eyes.”
“Is there anything in the dell that you could use to repel?” asked Borium. “A new creation that would deter this abomination.”
“Ah’ve never dealt wi anythin’ inhuman; and whether ah have tae protect us fae the man or protect us fae the woman.”
“Why not both the man and the woman?” asked Truman.
“Exactly my thought,” said Borium. “Yes, Deplorium. Why not?”
“Because one chance is aw ah’ve got. Ah have tae see where it’s weak an’ where it’s strong. Ah cannae get it wrong. Ah need tae find a vulnerable spot.”
Borium looked at him in dismay. “Yes, I understand what you’re trying to say.”
“Oh, there’s another thing ah meant tae say. A friend o’ mine is oan the way. Ah beat him once in the wrestle o’ the arm. He can be a wee bit boisterous, but means no harm.”

Oh, brother (part 63) by Grant Harbison

“Shear, I knew ye’d get away from that man,” said Jess. “If anyone can master a plan, you certainly can.”
“Jess, you don’t understand,” responded Shear. “I didn’t run away. I’m in love with Lord Dirgand.”
“But he took ye away against yer will, and I’d been afeart that when he saw what ye are, he’d have be reason to kill.”
“Jess, do not fear. Let me tell you the reason why I’m here.”
“Go on, my dear. Let Beryl and I hear.”
“The voice spoke to me one night as I lay in bed, and its whispers filled my heart with dread. The monks that you seek may be merely pests, but they’ve sought sanctuary from an evil one, and they are his guests.”
“That much I comprehended. The spell I cast was so cleverly defended.”
“And you’re lucky that it didn’t rebound. Up there strange flora can be found. Plants that can make a powerful potion, but one would still have to have the perception to set evil in motion. So, any plans to pursue that you’ve made will unfortunately have to be delayed.”
“Until when?” Ilirium moaned. “The next full moon, or maybe after ten?”
“Little one, don’t be rude!” admonished Jess. “What Shear be saying be for our own good.”
“Ilirium, it doesn’t help to protest,” said Shear. “As at the moment we have no means to contest. There is no other choice but to wait for the voice. I’d advise patience until it can reach. So no irrational actions. I beseech.”
“I’m sorry, Shear.”
“That’s okay. I can understand your frustration and fear.”
“Ye must be exhausted after yer journey, Shear,” said Beryl. “Could ah get ye somethin’ tae eat an’ drink, dear?”
“Yes, thank you. That would be nice. Anything will suffice.”
“Best to keep evil at bay,” said Jess went Beryl went away.
“The voice did have something else to say,” said Shear. “About others on the way.”
“You mean that we are in danger from others too?” asked Ilirium. “Who?”
“No, no need to fuss. They are no threat to us.”
“Please explain.”
“A Viking who carried with him love’s sweet pain, but recently he has been brutally slain.  There’s a man with a bawd and a woman called Paine. They are in search of a monk called Blaine. Blaine has the same purpose as you. He’s also pursuing those wayward two.  His reason is to attain absolution and to try and prevent Paine’s execution, but little does he know that she’s managed to flee. This what the voice has conveyed to me.”
“So what you are saying is that Blaine is in search of Borium and Truman to try and save the dominatrix woman?”
“Yes, they were left to take the blame. Guilty or not, to the committee it’s all the same. But the investigating nun decided to play a little game.”